Name that Shame

Has perfectionism ever kept you from doing something you really want to do? Let's give it another name: SHAME. What is it and how do we keep it from sabotaging us? (SPOILER: Shame almost kept me from making this video!!) If you like this video, please subscribe to my YouTube Channel for more videos like this one :)

As referenced in the video, here is Brené Brown's website - I highly recommend reading her first and/or second books - I Thought It Was Just Me But It Isn't or The Gifts of Imperfection - if you are interested in learning more about shame :)

Find Your Happiness

Who has it?  What is it?  How do we get it? Happiness is subjective for everyone, but happiness must be defined by every person in order to be tangible.  How does one achieve a goal without measurable tasks?  It seems impossible to seek happiness but not know what must be done daily to have it.

So what is happiness?  I ask clients to pretend as though they have a magic wand which they will use to make their life happy overnight.  Then I ask, 'what has changed?'  I often hear crickets to this question because it is difficult to envision what needs to change in our lives in order to achieve happiness if we do not examine the elements that make up our own personal happiness.  Many psychotherapists, psychologists, and others in helping professionals claim to be happiness experts, but in reality, everyone who comes to therapy is the master and expert of his or her own happiness.  It takes applied self-exploration to know what comprises happiness for you. 

What does happiness mean to you?  Is it feeling fulfilled by your job and family?  Is it obtaining a goal, like a college degree or promotion?  Or is it living in the moment and taking in the beauty of your surroundings? Is happiness comprised of other emotions, such as relaxation, excitement, energy, concentration, sadness, despair, or contentment? These are great questions to ask, but the deeper question left unanswered is, what measurable/attainable tasks must I accomplish each day in order to achieve my goal of happiness?

other considerations

Instead of thinking that happiness is something that happens to you, a passive state, try to conceptualize happiness as something that you cultivate and nurture daily.  If your goal is to feel happiness and fulfillment for most of your day every day, the tasks of meeting this goal must be concrete and based on knowledge of yourself to inform your choices (e.g. eating ten cupcakes might make someone feel happy in the moment but may cause lethargy, anxiety, or depression in the coming hours or days. The net outcome is not happiness.) 

Maintaining a mostly happy life involves hard work and dedication to your cause at times. For example, I know that 30 minutes to an hour of exercise every day makes me happier, calmer, and feel better. I still struggle to do this because it does not bring immediate satisfaction to me personally. It is hard work to put in the time to maintain happiness through exercise but I KNOW that if I broke down the net outcome hour by hour the net outcome would be happiness. It would look something like this:

exercisedoodle.jpg

Being happy and fulfilled can be exhausting, taxing, and overwhelming, especially if you struggle with depression, anxiety, or other life stressors. If this is the case, start small! Create a goal of feeling happy (or whatever positive feeling it is that you wish to feel) for 5 minutes, 15 minutes, or an hour every day. Don't focus on big, overwhelming goals, but rather look for small things that bring you happiness like drawing or painting, listening to music, dancing in your house, smiling, playing with an animal, or anything else that brings on feelings of happiness without detracting from your overall well-being.

What does a state of happiness look like to you?  And what do you have to do daily to feel happy?

How to Find the Right Therapist

"How do I find the right therapist?" I am often asked this question and would like to preface my opinions by saying that they are just that – opinions. Therapists are as diverse as their clientele and I presume that all would have something to add to this discussion, or perhaps an entirely opposite perspective. If you are looking for a healing, caring, supportive, and emotionally challenging experience, this is my take.

The Basics

1. All therapists are different, but I would say that the primary characteristic of importance in your therapist is that he or she tries to make you feel comfortable and wants to be present with you.

2. Having said that, everyone will be nervous at the beginning of therapy, your therapist included if he or she is human, so give yourself a few weeks to settle in. If you feel inclined, talk to your therapist about feeling nervous and he or she should response empathically.

3. Therapy can be funny and light-hearted at times, but you should not feel the need to impress or entertain your therapist.

4. Therapy can be humorous, intellectual, and emotional, but remember that intellectualism and humor can be used to defend against difficult emotions. Therapists are in the business of emotions, so you may be challenged to access your own at times.

5. You should feel safe in therapy at all times and your therapist should be able to create that safety with you.

Soap box:

Many of the clients I see have discussed "settling" with their previous therapist(s).  He or she would listen most of the time, or was good enough is not an ideal therapeutic situation.  You have the right to the right fit for you.  If it isn't ideal, talk to your therapist about what is missing.  If he or she responds in a way that upsets you, say that you're upset.  If it gets to the point where you want to end the relationship because of this disconnect, talk about it.  A relationship with a therapist should enhance your ability to have relationships in the real world.  As a model of relationship, a therapist should encourage honesty, even when it is difficult, and should always have your interest first on the list of importance.

Step 1. Assess your needs.

What do you need and what do you want? You can have both needs and wants met in therapy with the right person. Read the following questions for guidance on your needs and wishes for therapy.

Are you going through a life transition like college, marriage, divorce, parenthood, or late adulthood?

Are you a member of an oppressed group? Is it important to you that your therapist is a part of this group or has special training around your difference?

Will it be difficult for you to speak to a stranger for the first time?

Have you had therapy experiences in the past that did NOT work? What was missing?

Are you depressed, anxious, sad, or do you have a dominating emotion that comes to mind?

Have you consulted a medical professional and if so, what does he or she recommend?

Do you just want to talk and have someone listen?

Do you want to explore your past or focus on the present? Or both?

Do you want to be challenged or supported unconditionally?

Do you want to talk about goals and be accountable to your therapist in attaining them?

Do you seek structure or freedom in therapy?

Are you more comfortable with a particular gender, and why? Would it be helpful to you to have a therapist representing the gender of comfort or perhaps to have a new experience with the gender you do not prefer?

Are you comfortable with a particular age group, and why? How would your experience be enhanced or compromised with different age groups?

What are you able to pay for therapy?

Step 2. Find a recommended therapist

Word of mouth is the most helpful way of finding a clinician but more and more, therapists are advertising and promoting themselves online. There are some websites that verify the credentials of the therapists who are advertising (psychologytoday.com, goodtherapy.org) so make sure that the therapists you read about have credentials.

Money is usually an uncomfortable topic for most people, but prospective therapists should be clear about charges when asked. Some therapists work on a “sliding scale” basis, meaning that they have different rates depending on financial need. If you are in need of financial assistance, think about what you are able to pay and ask the therapist if the rate would be acceptable.

Credentials:

LPC-i and LPC – These therapists are master’s level professional counselors who are seeking or have obtained a clinical licensure. You can expect to pay more to see an LPC than an LPC-Intern.

LMSW and LCSW – These therapists are master’s level social workers who are seeking or have obtained a clinical licensure. You can expect to pay more to see an LCSW than an LMSW.

Psy.D. or PhD. - Psychologists are doctorate level clinicians who perform therapy and also focus on psychological assessment or testing. Psy.D. is a newer degree plan focusing on clinical psychotherapy as well as research and testing. You can expect to pay more for a doctorate level clinician than an LPC or an LCSW.

M.D. or D.O. - Psychiatrists are medical doctors who are primarily focused on psychobiological assessment and medication management for patients. Some psychiatrists are trained in psychotherapeutic techniques but most have little training in psychotherapy. You can expect to pay the most for a psychiatrist since he or she has a medical license and can prescribe medication.

Unfortunately, when assessing therapists one can rarely tell which will be a fit on paper. You may be able to read a bio on the therapist that may help you get a feel for his or her personality and theoretical leanings, but having a conversation is the best way to assess goodness of fit.

Use the questions from Step 1 to guide you in expressing your needs and ask about their training, specialties, and areas of practice. Despite the traditional hierarchy, you may find your needs anywhere in this ranking of therapists.

Step 3: Get to know the therapist

In order to assess fit, one has to “talk the talk” in some ways to understand how a therapist operates. Read up on types of therapies and you may find that one resonates with you.

Psych Central's article on Psychotherapy - check out the types of therapy on the left index

Ask questions and expect to get your needs met!  This principle is basic to living a life with healthy self-esteem and self-care.

As always, take care.